I look out the window,
and see you standing there.
Wondering why you're here.
This way, it's very rare.
I see you often
in the hallways.
I see you in the classrooms,
almost day to day.
But never at my doorstep,
have I seen you ever before.
And now it feels so real,
like I, you must adore.
It's not. It's not.
It's just a dream,
somewhere else.
Somewhere so unseen.
-Bailey Holcomb
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Hi, I'm clue. =)
This is a bit lacking in emotion. It's all a bit bland. Good try. I would suggest that you read some poetry from people like Snoink and other experienced writers. You could get an idea of emotion and all.
Im probably not qualified to review this, so this is just my opinion.
After quickly reading through this one, I had no idea what you were talking about, and thats not a bad thing in poetry. It left me pondering and thinking about possible hidden meanings behind the words.
Your ending could have been made to leave the reader with some clue to what you meant, to keep them guessing.
Its nice, with some good literature and good fluency.
Keep writing and good luck.
I basically have nothing to say that anti-pop hasn't. So I'm going to *shouts: I second Anti-pop's motion* and slinks off into cyberworld.
Cheers!
--Voxina
It should be a comma after 'there'. Also, your last line doesn't make much sense. What is very rare? Be specific.
Your last line, again, doesn't make much sense. Try something like, "almost every day".
How about replacing the word 'ever' with something like, 'stand'?
But never at my doorstep, have I seen you stand before flows better.
Also, your last line is just strange. "Like I, you must adore"? How about rewording it, so it's clearer to the readers what you're trying to convey.
Take out the 'so'.
Overall:
This was not bad, by any means. Just cliche. That means that this idea has been done a countless number of times, and people are frankly tired of hearing it. Add something unique to your poetry. Make it new, fresh. Something that people haven't read before.
We've heard this story: A girl has a crush on a guy at school who suddenly appears on her doorstep but it's all really a dream (and that was so not a run-on haha).
Even if you want to write about something that's been done before, it is possible to add your own original element to it.
Keep writing!
*anti-pop